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Real Life Lessons

Are You One in a Thousand?
by C.V. Doner, PhD

One of the world’s best known pioneers of the human mind – psychologist Abraham Maslow – estimated that of every thousand souls, only one would reach the optimal goal of self-actualization (or self-realization.) 

In less academic terms, the vast majority of my acquaintances (or readers) may not be realizing their “purpose, passion or calling.”  They’re not “following their bliss” – what they’re really passionate about.  Many may not even be engaged in their greatest area of strengths – what you might say they’re “a natural” at.

Worse yet, chances are they’re shoehorned into uncomfortable, unfulfilling life roles, where many of them miss out on primary human needs – like the ability to truly be ourselves – what some people call “being authentic.”  It’s next to impossible to be authentic when you’re locked into a life that conflicts with who God made you to be – or who you want to be.  Our world (and our church, neighborhood and circle of friends) is largely peopled by unhappy souls trapped in a self-perpetuating cycle of despair.  In my definition, despair equates to the distance between who you want to be in life and who you (or others) actually perceive yourself as being.  In turn, despair produces boredom, frustration, even desperation, reinforcing ones’ despair.

Who am I Talking About?

• Executives who wanted to be teachers or ministers – and vice versa
• Professionals who disowned their dream to be an artist or a writer
• White collar desk jockeys who would rather be a forest ranger, cowboy or fire fighter; business women who would rather be moms at home raising children.

This list could (and does) go on almost endlessly.  What happened?  How did so many of us make life choices at odds with our very essence – or well-being?  No doubt a host of factors are involved, but here are several of the most common – see if any of them sound familiar: 

Too young to know yourself

Most of us choose a career path in college – before we have a clear understanding of our temperament, passions, life purpose, gifting, etc.  What may sound exciting at first (or may actually be rewarding for the first few years) often wears thin after youthful energy and optimism can no longer compensate for work that doesn’t allow us to live our hopes and dreams.  Our vocation needs to feed our spirit. 

The path of least resistance

Many of us choose a job right after school or college – something that just comes along.  We took it because we needed the money.  In other words, the job picked us (“Hey – we need a warm body to fill this position.”) rather than you picking the job.  What you should have been asking is, “Will this work allow me to use my gifts and talents in a meaningful way that I will truly value?  Will my work environment allow me to honestly be myself?”

Which leads me to my next observation:  many of us may seem to have the right career fit, i.e. you enjoy your work or at least you’re very good at it, but due to other expectations – from customers, clients, co workers, boss, etc., you have to stifle your uniqueness – your essence (your real self) in order to “fit in.” 

Trading the ability to express yourself – to really be yourself (in other words, to be authentic) for monetary necessity, no matter how much it may, is a sure recipe for long term frustration, stress, despair and an early retirement due to ill health – or death by premature heart attack.

Any time you force yourself to “disown” part of your very essence – it will fight back – usually showing up as self destructive behavior.  Or it may emerge as an illness (mental or physical) or loose itself at an inappropriate time.  The most obvious example of the disowned or the repressed self fighting to emerge can be seen in the fundamentalist Christian community (whether Evangelical or Roman Catholic) which often demands that its priests or ministers deny their own sexuality.  Both the cost and the futility of attempting to suppress a vital part of our identity is tragically demonstrated in thousands of disillusioned souls – victims, priests and average parishioners in Catholic communities.  In other words, when priests are forced to deny their own sexuality it will also often explode to devastate both flock and shepherd.  Of course, sexual repression is not limited to Roman Catholics, as the Reverend Ted Haggard, the president of the National Association of Evangelicals publicly demonstrated in 2006.  How might these men’s lives (and ministries) turned out differently if they had accepted their own sexuality as a natural part of themselves (rather than denying and even “demonizing” themselves).  Once they came to terms with their authentic nature, they could then have the ability to act appropriately – which might entail anything from seeking therapy to leaving the ministry.

While certain religious sects are notorious for their spirit-crushing, guilt-inducing overabundance of rules (just what Jesus condemned when he faced down the Pharisees).  They are by no means the only entity who expects you to check your spirit or authenticity at the door. What is the cost of entry – what is it that you must give up – to be accepted as a “member in good standing” in your workplace, circle of friends or even your family?  Are you able to honestly express yourself or do you have to fake it so you’re not identified as the proverbial black sheep?

How Do You Know

So how do you know if you’re on the path to be self-actualized – the path to optimizing your gifts in a way that creates maximum value and satisfaction for both yourself and others?

First, the fact that you’re even reading this shows that you are at least are curious about how to live up to your potential.  If you wish to continue, then let’s take a quick inventory of how you’re doing at living with purpose, passion and power.

Purpose – have you truly discovered that your purpose is to make a difference – a contribution in the lives of others and in God’s magnificent creation?  Have you identified the gifts or talents God has given you to exercise on behalf of your greater purpose?  There are literally thousands of ways you can fulfill your destiny to make this a better world – from raising children with love to doing volunteer work.  What has God given you a talent or passion for?  (For some hints see What is My Gift? on this website.)

Passion – do you love what you do, so that when you do it, it doesn’t seem like work – but play.  I’m not talking about your day job, which you may no longer even enjoy.  I’m talking about your real work – your calling as an artist, friend, helper, musician, mother, doctor, teacher, listener, volunteer, activist, advisor, business person, etc. 

Power – power flows from knowing your purpose, and being passionate about your calling – your true work.  It’s not the power to dominate but the power to inspire, encourage, empower and transform – yourself as well as those you influence.

One of the best indicators of whether you are on the way to self-fulfillment (and fulfilling your destiny in the process) is whether you’re a spectator or a participant in life.  Are you just watching as the world goes by?  There’s a great line in the film The Misfits, starring Clark Gable and Marilyn Monroe, where one of the characters says to Marilyn, “Most of us are hiding from life, just watching it go by.  But you – you’re out there living it.”  What a contrast – at once enlightening and tragic.  It puts me in the mind of Thoreau’s keen observation of so many people “living lives of quiet desperation.”

Moving forward

Here are a few additional ideas to get you started on realizing your full potential:

Bottom line:  God created you to be you – not someone else’s idea of who or what you should be.  He created you for a great purpose – so get started!